


[MST] In the Water with You, In the Water with Me

by Yamanami Kei-ichirou 山南 敬一郎 (Ki_no_Shirayuki)



Series: 型染 — Katazome [3]
Category: Gintama
Genre: Age Regression/De-Aging, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Characters Reading Fanfiction, Fandom Allusions & Cliches & References, Gen, Humor, MST3k-Style Riffing, Omake, Parody, Substance Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-18
Updated: 2017-01-18
Packaged: 2018-09-18 09:55:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9379346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ki_no_Shirayuki/pseuds/Yamanami%20Kei-ichirou%20%E5%B1%B1%E5%8D%97%20%E6%95%AC%E4%B8%80%E9%83%8E
Summary: LET'S GO TO COMMALAND TOGETHER. IT'S NOT LIKE I'M HIGH ON HEADACHE PILLS OR ANYTHING.((In which Takasugi is properly paranoid))





	

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Something in the Water](https://archiveofourown.org/works/9311717) by [korisnik](https://archiveofourown.org/users/korisnik/pseuds/korisnik). 



> Title: From Miku song "Mizu no Naka de"

**Yamanami:** _(in a disguise consisting of a long dark robe and sedge hat) (holds up a pink-cover notebook)_ So, how about that?  
**Takasugi and Bansai:** _(le shocked thunder)_ If it isn't…  
**Yamanami:** Is it some sort of important document that could threaten your organization once leaked out? Is it?  
**Bansai:** Oh, if it isn't Shinsuke's diary!

_(Beat)_

**Takasugi:** No, I wouldn't call it my diary, for I did not write it myself. This is the work done by my chronicler whom I personally hired to record certain important events of my life and the activity of the Kiheitai.  
**Bansai:** So it's this notebook? You could have asked him to write in a more… decent journal, I daresay.  
**Yamanami:** Wow wow wow, are we talking about writing or are we discussing the notebook?  
**Takasugi:** But you haven't answered my question yet!  
**Yamanami:** _(calmly produces a bottle of Yakult from his sleeve) (opens it before sprinkling some salt into it)_  
**Takasugi:** … Well then, let us start.

* * *

**Bansai:** I think we should open to the latest entry, I daresay.  
**Takasugi:** Don't you dare…  
**Yamanami:** _(whips out another bottle of Yakult and a salt sprinkler)_

 _Nobody could've expected this to happen when the members of his inner circle showed up in front of his quarters with a flyer advertising "Fullmetal Obstacle",_  
**Takasugi:** Have we heard of that one before?  
**Bansai:** Not from an anime show, I daresay.

 _which was apparently a fun and challenging obstacle course newly built on Proxima Centauri b._  
**Takasugi:** After I've told them many times not to take unsolicited advertising material… _(glares at Bansai)_  
**Bansai:** I said we're sorry!

 _"You see, Shinsuke-dono," Henpeita starts, "It's been a while since we held any team building activities..."_  
**Yamanami:** No grammatical or punctuation mistakes yet? Man, I'm getting bored, and boredom makes my head hurt! _(takes pill)_

 _"I'm not participating in any team building activities."_  
**Takasugi:** What did he think Kiheitai was, a corporation?

 _"They have an onsen too, Shinsuke-sama!" Matako adds hastily. "Look at the other side!"_  
**Yamanami:** I sense a punctuation mistake here, but I'm not sure what it is… Ah, all this guessing makes my head hurt. _(takes pill)_  
**Takasugi and Bansai:** … Moving on.

 _Takasugi turns the flyer over and is greeted with a tacky "Onsen!!! in Space" title, the text under it promising a "completely rejuvenating experience in the best onsen in the Alpha Centauri system"._  
**Yamanami:** Did your chronicler finish high school? That full stop is supposed to go inside the quotation marks!  
**Takasugi:** No, it neither goes inside nor outside the quotation marks. It's not supposed to exist there at all.  
**Bansai:** Shinsuke, everything is written in English here. _(phone beeps)_ Oh, it's a message from the MST admin - Yukiko-san, isn't it? She tells us to shut the fuck up about the language bullshit already, even she's getting a headache herself, so…

_Takasugi strongly suspects it is also the only onsen in the Alpha Centauri system._

_"The men all said they would be honored if the top brass took their time relaxing in the onsen while they're going through the course," Henpeita declares._  
**Takasugi:** They must be plotting something!

 _Takasugi tears his gaze from the flyer to shoot a skeptical look at the trio assembled at the door. "The men said that?"_  
**Takasugi:** That must mean they were plotting something nasty against me in order to overthrow me, or make a fool out of me in the least! Didn't any of you suspect this? _(to Bansai)_ Or were you trying to usurp me too?  
**Bansai:** I said, everything was an accident! But given what followed, I understand why you're so paranoid.

 _Bansai is straight-faced, unreadable as ever. Matako, however, is biting her lip and squirming._  
**Takasugi:** She should have used the bathroom.  
**Bansai:** _(facepalm)_

 _"Well... not yet, Shinsuke-dono," Henpeita admits. "But I'm sure they will once we tell them."_  
**Yamanami:** Aha! Found it! A full stop before a quotation mark where a comma belongs! I think I'm supposed to take a pill at this point, but I'm too excited my head doesn't hurt!  
**Takasugi:** Is this person for real?

 _Takasugi frowns, mulling it over. Truth be told, even he could tell that the crew needed some downtime after the recent events._  
**Takasugi:** But not without my supervision!  
**Bansai:** I said, calm down already!  
**Takasugi:** _(evil smile)_ When have I ever been calm, Bansai?  
**Bansai and Yamanami:** _(creeped out)_

_He hands the flyer back to Henpeita._

_"Fine," he decides. "I'll go along, then."_  
**Takasugi:** A decision which I'll regret for the rest of my life.  
**Yamanami:** A misplaced full stop again. Ah, _now_ my head hurts. _(takes pill)_

 _The rejuvenating experience promised on the flyer wasn't just a turn of phrase, the Kiheitai members_  
**Takasugi:** How many were there? Do you recall, Bansai?  
**Bansai:** I'm not sure, maybe ten or twenty people, I daresay.  
**Takasugi:** Oh, that many people were there to witness my misery…

 _discover when they show up at the pick up location and suddenly find themselves dealing with three confused children led by an equally confused twenty-something year old Henpeita._  
**Takasugi:** How the hell was he _only_ reduced to twenty-something? How? While the rest of us turned into kids… How in space did that happen?  
**Bansai:** Some mysteries are best left unanswered.

There are dried tear tracks on Takasugi's face  
**Takasugi:** Seeing as I had only one eye (even when I was de-aged, strangely), shouldn't that be one single tear track?

 _("That one had a bit of a shock when he couldn't open his eye," Henpeita said, handing off the children. "But the other two calmed him down.")_  
**Yamanami:** COMMA.

 _but that doesn't deter him from trying his hardest to look menacing as he corners one of the Kiheitai's senior officers, flanked by Bansai and Matako._  
**Takasugi:** _(grunts; cracks fist)_ Don't you fucking dare say "how cute"…

 _"You said I was your commander, didn't you? Well, I command you to take me to Yoshida Shouyou!"_  
**Bansai:** _(has an entire bottle of Yakult emptied onto his head)_ Shinsuke, I merely said _ka_!  
**Takasugi:** I know what it means…  
**Bansai:** I was going to say _kawaisou_ (pathetic)!  
**Takasugi:** …

 _"Shinsuke-sama, it's not that easy--" The officer starts, but cuts himself off with a shriek. "Matako-dono, please put that gun down. I promise I'll do what I can, just hand me the gun, please."_  
**Bansai:** _(gets one more Yakult bottle emptied onto his head)_ Again? It takes forever to rinse the smell from my hair!  
**Takasugi:** _(coldly)_ Get back on topic plz.

 _After a couple of quick calls to the Yorozuya Gin-chan establishment and one long one when its proprietor finally stops hanging up on them, it is decided that Sakata Gintoki and Katsura Kotarou would be the ones to take care of their de-aged commander until everything goes back to normal. If it ever does._  
**Takasugi:** Does or does not, I'll lay Edo in ruins anyway.

_Bansai discovered there was a sword inside his shamisen not too long ago and decided it's best to keep that information to himself. He grips the instrument tighter as he listens to the unfamiliar voices drawing nearer._

_"I can't say they didn't deserve it, Gintoki. It is because of so called samurai like that who go to flashy Amanto onsens that our country is the way it is. This never would have happened if they went to a traditional onsen. "_  
**Takasugi:** Zura, silly as always. I suppose you should know how being bugged by your subordinates _(glares at Bansai)_ feels.  
**Bansai:** Shinsuke, didn't I say I'm sorry already? It wasn't my idea even! I was de-aged too!

 _"Come on, Zura, wasn't it you that--" The man stops when they enter the bridge._  
**Takasugi:** … What happened to Zura and his habit of insisting he be called by his proper name?  
**Yamanami:** … What happen to the poor hyphen? _(in tears; swallows pill and nearly choked on it)_

 _"Wow, Takasugi, I thought it only felt that way, but you really do seem to be getting shorter every time I see you."_  
**Takasugi:** I am **so** going to slay you next time we meet.

 _The way Shinsuke's shoulders stiffen at the sight of the two men reminds Bansai of a threatened cat._  
**Takasugi:** Preferably of the Abyssinian breed.  
**Bansai:** Shinsuke, don't reference [that](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wei%C3%9F_Kreuz) [far](http://weisskreuz.wikia.com/wiki/Ran_Fujimiya)  back. It's going to fly over everyone's heads even in Japan, I daresay.

 _The white haired man takes a step forward, and Shinsuke flinches and involuntarily backs up, bumping into Bansai as he frantically scrambles to get away, and all Bansai can catch is a look of terror on his face before he is already out of the room._  
**Takasugi:** Was I really that afraid? _(worried)_ Of my old friend, no less… This is no good for my reputation.

 _"How dare you upset Shinsuke!?"_  
**Yamanami:** The question mark goes before the exclamation in an interrobang!

_Matako is quick to retaliate, running over to the man and kicking him full force in the shin, causing him to go down before a handful of Kiheitai officers rush in to separate the two._

_The resulting scuffle makes it easy for Bansai to decide to go after Shinsuke, so he runs off undetected, dragging his shamisen behind him._  
**Bansai:** Now I want to travel back in time to beat young me over the head with a lead pipe for committing such an atrocity to the instrument.

_Bansai finds him in the cargo bay, sitting hidden from the view on one of the crates in the back. Takasugi gives him a wary look as he watches him push his shamisen on top of the crate, then hoist himself up to sit next to him, but doesn't say anything to stop him. Bansai doesn't say anything either, just picks the shamisen back and hugs it to himself, resting on it, perfectly content to just sit in silence next to Takasugi._

_Takasugi was already feeling embarrassed enough at his sudden outburst, but now he can feel the awkwardness settling in too, although the other kid, Bansai is what he recalls his name was, is seemingly unaffected. They sit for a while until Takasugi can't ignore the strange kid anymore and he clears his throat before speaking up. "We should go back."_  
**Yamanami:** _(enraged)_ WHAT DOES YOUR CHRONICLER HAVE AGAINST THE COMMA? _(so angry he threw some pills on the ground and stomped them)_

 _Bansai makes a non-commital noise before turning to Takasugi. "Will you be leaving with those men?"_  
**Yamanami:** COMMITAL. _(scoops up the smashed pill dust from the floor and eats it)_

 _"I don't know," he mutters. "I'm not stupid. I know they won't take me to Sensei for a reason._  
**Bansai:** Because he's dead, I daresay?  
**Takasugi:** I know. You don't have to dig out my old wound.  
**Yamanami:** COMMA. COMMA.

 _I thought once I see Zura and Gintoki, things would feel more right, even if they're adults now. Instead it just feels worse."_  
**Takasugi:** Now I'm confused. Should I not have been able to recognize them at all, much like how I didn't everyone else? Of course I didn't recognize them! So why was it written that…  
**Bansai:** It was your chronicler's fault, I daresay. I don't blame him, he wasn't there when we talked.  
**Yamanami:** Fire him already. He's already giving me enough headaches putting full stops where commas belong.

 _He looks at Bansai. "What about you? Do you have a family to go to?"_  
**Yamanami:** COM. MA. COM. MA. COM. MA.  
**Takasugi and Bansai:** _(puts a plastic bag over Yamanami's head)_

 _Bansai shrugs. "Perhaps. I think I would like to stay here with you, if I am allowed to. You have an interesting sound."_  
**Takasugi:** Courtesy of Koyasu Takehito.  
**Bansai:** Um, but you were a child then, so wouldn't it be Kuwashima Houko instead, I daresay?  
**Takasugi:** Ahh, what a shame. Koyasu is the one who could go from an [annoying high-pitched bat](http://rosariovampire.wikia.com/wiki/Koumori_Nazo) to a [charming young man](http://rosariovampire.wikia.com/wiki/Ijuuin_Kotaro) in the same series, no less.  
**Yamanami:** _(amazed_ _)_ Since when did you two start breaking the fourth wall?  
**Takasugi and Bansai:** Who are you to talk when you don't even have a voice actor?

 _He pauses, swinging his legs to an inaudible rhythm. "It can get really heavy sometimes."_  
**Takasugi:** It's called a baritone, you know?  
**Bansai:** You don't have to act like you know more about music than I do.  
**Yamanami:** Comm… _(gets his head stuffed into a plastic bag again)_

 _Takasugi frowns, his eyebrows furrowing. "You're weird. I hope you know that."_  
**Yamanami:** _(muffled)_  
**Takasugi:** Ahh, such peace and quiet.

 _With that, Takasugi jumps down from the crate and while he waits up for Bansai who slides down and turns around to pick his shamisen up, he thinks maybe this whole situation isn't so unbearable as he initially thought._  
**Takasugi:** Yes it was as unbearable as I thought! I'm going to fire my chronicler as soon as I finish reading this.  
**Bansai:** Er…  
**Takasugi:** What is it?  
**Bansai:** You know, since you often don't have time to read the writings, they are all proofread by Henpeita…  
**Takasugi:** …

_When they find their way back to the bridge, they're greeted with the sight of Zura holding Matako on his hip, a half-done braid in his hair forgotten as the two of them peer over Gintoki's shoulder to look at the flyer he's holding._

_"Find a phone number, Gintoki. I'll lodge a complaint. This whole facility should be shut down._  
**Takasugi:** I actually agree with you there, Zura.  
**Bansai:** _(gives Takasugi a weird look)_  
**Takasugi:** Don't look at me like that. It's not like I'm in love with him or something.  
**Bansai:** Now you just sound like a tsundere, I daresay.  
**Takasugi:** Now merely agreeing with someone means that you have a crush on them now? Where have our society gone to? All the more reasons to destroy this rotten-to-the-core world!  
**Bansai:** _(whispers)_ Mind you, Yukiko-san ships TakaZura.  
**Takasugi:** _(removes plastic bag from Yamanami's head) (gives him a very spine-chilling glare)_  
**Yamanami:** What is it?  
**Takasugi:** _Pills._

_Back in our day, there was no need for such fancy obstacle courses. We made our own obstacle courses in forests and fields and there's nothing wrong with us now."_

_"There's plenty wrong with you, Zura," Gintoki says absent-mindedly as he turns the flyer over, eyes scanning the text. "Who even says they're using phones on this planet?"_  
**Takasugi:** Quickly!  
**Bansai:** _(puts his hand over Yamanami's mouth and doesn't remove it even as Yamanami bites him)_

 _Matako suddenly leans down, dangling precariously from Zura's hands, and points excitedly. "Look, there are some numbers here! This tiny text here! 1..2.."_  
**Yamanami:** Ellipsis are **three** dots, even little children knew this.  
**Takasugi:** _(giggles)_ Such irony.

 _Zura squints at the paper. "No, that just says: '*The rejuvenating effect can last up to 12 hours. REFUND WILL NOT BE PROVIDED.'_  
**Yamanami:** What the fuck is that asterisk doing there? It's hurting my eyes! (takes pill)  
**Takasugi and Bansai:** At least it's not a comma.

_Try looking on the other side again, Gintoki."_

_"Zura... That's it... Zura..."_  
**Takasugi:** I swear there was definitely something wrong with Zura. Normally he doesn't tolerate being called the wrong name twice in a row.  
**Yamanami:** Does your chronicler have something against the ellipsis? Three… six… nine dots. That's how many pills I'm gonna take now.  
**Bansai:** How you haven't died from overdose yet is a mystery.

 _Gintoki's hand flies to Zura's arm, shaking him. "The rejuvenating effect can last up to 12 hours!"_  
**Takasugi:** Which is _half a day_ for crying out loud! Being reverted to a child within a few minutes is bad enough. As if this world is not horrible and hellish enough already, I have to suffer from the worst of curses for half a day and nobody showed me a shred of sympathy! You do love to be cruel to me, do you, World?  
**Bansai:** Calm down Shinsuke. I was there too.  
**Yamanami:** A full stop in place of a comma again.  
**Takasugi:** Don't bother stopping him any more. Just let him do what he wants. I'm tired.

_He looks up from the flyer, his gaze landing at the gaggle of Kiheitai members surrounding them. "Can't anyone on this damn ship read?!"_

_"I know all of hiragana!"_  
**All three:** What about katakana?

 _He pats Matako on the head, giving her an approving smile. "That's great kid, good for you."_  
**All three:** No it's not!

 _Gintoki looks around, thinking of ways to split Takasugi's men into groups and send them off to go look for him_  
**Takasugi:** He has no rights to do that. Does he think that my being reverted to a child means that he has total control over my troops?  
**Bansai:** He was just worried about you, I daresay.  
**Takasugi:** I don't need anyone to worry about me!  
**Bansai:** Shinsuke, don't start angsting. This is a humorous fic.

 _when he finally notices Takasugi's already returned and is now standing by the doorway with his second-in-command, scowling at him with a determined glare that sends Gintoki back to childhood._  
**Takasugi:** Which means he must have been afraid of me!

 _"Did you hear that, squirt?" A huge grin stretches on his face. "You'll be back to your marginally taller self just in time for Ladies 4."_  
**Takasugi:** _(Tranquil Fury mode)_ I am not the kind of man who goes back on his words, you are going to die next time you enter my peripheral vision…  
**Yamanami:** On your left or right? Because, you know, if he's on your left… _(giggles)_  
**Takasugi:** _(pops sword from sheath)_  
**Yamanami:** I said nuthin'.

 _Several hours later, when things go back to normal and Takasugi makes them swear they won't tell anyone about the incident (Gintoki guffawed_  
**Yamanami:** "Guffawed."  
**Takasugi:** "Guffawed."  
**Bansai:** "Guffawed."

 _"Because you have so many friends we could possibly be telling this to? What a joke!"_  
**Bansai:** No, you don't have any, I daresay.  
**Takasugi:** _(glares)_  
**Bansai:** … Except me, that is.

 _while Zura nodded solemnly. "We will only be telling Sakamoto."),_  
**Takasugi:**  As the old saying goes, "birds of a feather flock together" foolish people only tattle to other foolish people.  
**Yamanami:** _(hyperventilates) (stuffs his cheeks with pills)_

_Zura and Gintoki find themselves back at the entrance to Kabuki-cho._

_"Gotta tell you, I'm glad that ended well," Gintoki concludes. "We already went through puberty with him once, I don't know if I could've handled a second time."_  
**Takasugi:** And I supposed your puberty aren't even over yet.  
**Bansai:** But the story is, so…  
**Yamanami:** _(spits out all the pills)_ I'm the King of Commaland!

* * *

Omake:

**A struggle against evil**  
_(shows several malicious Amanto)_

**And Takasugi's limited screentime**

**The Anti-Foreigner Faction**  
_(shows determined fighters; several battle shots)_

 **Four elite assassins**  
_(close-up shots of four men's weapons and their eyes)_

 **Are ready to strike.**  
_(close-ups of their mouths as they say, "Mission accomplished")_

 **The Demon General - Takasugi Shinsuke**  
Codename: _Tosa_

 **Takasugi:** _(dressed in a leather suit with straps; holds a blood-stained, gleaming katana; face making a feral expression)_ I'll return you all to Hell where you belong!  
**Gintoki:** You do need to work on your one-liners, shorty.

 **The White Yaksha - Sakata Gintoki**  
Codename: _Komondor_

 **Gintoki:** _(wears a white suit stained with blood; gives a look over his shoulder as an enemy collapses behind him)_ There are three things I absolutely hate: one, school cultural festivals; two, girls who get excited over school cultural festivals; three, boys who take that as an excuse to wear crappy boxers!  
**Takasugi:** Like your line is any better! Also, it's too long to be called a one-liner!

 **The Nobleman of Terror - Katsura Kotarou**  
Codename: _Akita_

 **Katsura:** _(in a badass-looking black suit; standing among arrow-pierced corpses holding a bow and some arrows. His long hair flies around him, making him look very intimidating)_ I'm not Akita, I'm Katsura!  
**Takasugi and Gintoki:** Stop blowing your own cover, dumbass!

 **The Loud Guy - Sakamoto Tatsuma**  
Codename: _Chow Chow_

 **Sakamoto:** _(wears a suit and a flying long coat; holding two guns. His sunglasses flashes once)_ Hey, why are both my title and codename so weird?  
**Gintoki:** You're just comic relief anyway, so shut up!

**From the creators of DragonBleaPiece**

 

~~+~~ **Weiß Seele** ~~+~~

 

_Coming soon on TV Edo_

**Bansai:** I said don't reference that far back!


End file.
